I worked with a guy I didn’t like. He was friendly, always nice to me, but he was just so, intense. He acted like he was always on Red Bull (not coke, he would’ve been way more fun if he were always on coke). He was always trying to get me to do social stuff with work people. I don’t want to be reminded of work on the weekend, unless I’m actually working on the weekend. Yeah, Loverboy is a prominent influence on my life. In theory, I should like this guy; he was a sociable, amiable guy who was about my age. But I couldn’t bring myself to. And then it hit me. One day he ended an e-mail to me by saying “thanks, bro.” You see, he’s a bro. And I’m a dude. And that’s often like being oil and water. I know this dichotomy is probably foreign to you, so let me break down these two personality types.
Q: How would you describe dudes and bros?
A: It’s all about how they get people to try and think they’re cool. Dudes assume people will think they’re cool when they get to know them, so they just act the way they want to (but still try to be nice to people). Bros try hard to get people to think they’re cool. Their desperation is a stinky cologne; you can usually tell who they are right away. Most of the guys you see at the gym running with their eyes locked ahead like they’re in a fucking triathalon are bros.
Q: Does that mean a dude can’t be an athlete?
A: Of course not. One of my best friends is a dude and he’s a sick athlete, but he doesn’t play sports to get people to think he’s cool. He just loves sports and wants to do well at them. That doesn’t mean he’s an ass at the gym.
Q: What are some good examples of dudes and bros?
A: The ultimate dude, naturally, is The Dude. Every dude secretly (or not-so-secretly) wants to be The Dude. The Dude is great because he doesn’t have much going for him; he’s broke, his friends kind of suck, he doesn’t get laid that much, but he’s still a happy guy and doesn’t try to impress anyone. The ultimate bro would probably be Brody Jenner. I’ve never seen his show, but calling a friendship a Bromance and having a reality show to become your friend is one of the most bro-y things to do. A dude would call a bromance a “friendship” or, worst-case scenario, “man crush.”
Q: Are these the only male personality types?
A: Of course not. A douche is a guy who gets people to like him by being an asshole. A dork is well, a dork; any attempts by them to be cool are just laughable. A guy is like a dude, he doesn’t really try to impress anyone but he just goes with the prevailing social trends. A goober would be someone like Kenneth the Page, or Chipper Jones. And black guys really don’t fit in this taxonomy; they’re pretty much all way cooler than white guys and are operating on a different level. Finally, there are religious people. Let’s all just leave them all alone.
Q: I’m a woman, what personality types exist among women?
A: I can’t hold down a fucking girlfriend, I’m the wrong guy to ask about women.
Q: I’m a woman, what type of guy should I date?
A: I dunno, depends on what you want. Bros are, on average, in better shape than dudes and have more money. They’re also more likely to let you push them around if you’re more attractive than them; bros want to impress their friends with your hotness. You’ll probably have more fun with a dude; they’re nicer and funnier, but they’re less ambitious and are notoriously indifferent to female complaining. But a dude is way less likely to physically abuse you than a bro.
Q: Can dudes and bros coexist as friends?
A: Of course. But they can’t become best friends. And they have to exist within a circle of friends where the strengths they bring to the table are put to good use. One of the guys in my close circle of friends is a bro. I have a great time hanging out with him because he’s pretty aggressive on hitting on ladies (and needing a wingman) and good about organizing people to go out. I don’t really like hanging out with him one on one, though.
Q: Could you point out what famous athletes are dudes and bros?
A: Sure. For the record, the biggest bro in sports is Matt Leinart, and the biggest dude in sports is Laird Hamilton.
Bros: Kobe Bryant, Philip Rivers, Roger Dorn, Brett Myers
Dudes: Shaq, Eli Manning, Ricky Vaughn, Johnny Damon
Q: I thought black guys couldn’t be classified in this system
A: I don’t have much to work with in the NBA, cut me some slack
Q: Isn’t it very un-dude of you to write all this about dudes and bros, let alone come up with this classification system?
A: Ever hear of procrastination, fuckwad?
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